When happy isn't happy.

It's true what I said. I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve someone who loves me as much as you do. Someone who's always there for me to depend on. Who makes me feel like I'm actually worth something. I don't deserve any of that but somehow I have that now and I can't remember what I ever did without it. Just one taste of losing that love from you is enough to force me into doing anything. I have become the definition of desperate. I will do anything and everything to prevent losing what I have now.

Of course it isn't what I want. Not that I don't enjoy our time together, most of the time I want the same things you do. But I hold back what I really want to say. I slipped before, too many times. It was dangerous. All I could do was repeat the phrase 'I didn't mean to say that' and thank God you couldn't tell how robotic my words were.

I guess a disaster is avoided for now. I probably should surprise you with something later on, just to stay on the safe side. Maybe you'll forget I ever complained. I can never complain, that would be too dangerous.

I feel as if I'm playing a game. And I'm walking on the thin line of your needs, if I stray from what you want, I lose. Maybe not right away. But enough slip ups can end everything. I used to think there was an unlimited amount of mistakes. That it didn't matter how many times you messed up as long as you loved the person. I didn't know there was a set number or anything. 'You've complained 20 times, I can't love you anymore.' I thought you didn't care. I thought you had said our love was forever, even if it needs work. I remember multiple times the words straight out of your mouth: 'I will love you no matter what you do'. I should have asked how many times it took.

I know you have this blog but I pray you never read this. This is my only way of saying what I want to say, what I need to say. You can never know that I'm broken. That my words no longer come from my heart, but from my mind. Carefully calculated. Never doubting. I do miss the feeling. Of being able to tell you anything, of trusting that I can always fall back on you. But as long as you're not leaving, I'll continue this charade.

I'll repeat: I didn't mean to say that.

And every time you start to doubt me.

I'll continue to say...

Don't worry about it.

You're here now and that's all that matters.