This uneasy situation.

This falsely called 'vacation'.

Its just a proclamation of your desired destination .

And if my parts don't fit in your perfect equation

Of the perfect me, for the sensation

Of your perfect life. An outrageous inflation.

I wish you loved me to the point of elation.

Enough to not care about expectations.

Merry Christmas I guess.

I'm not even upset for the obvious reason.

I'm upset because this whole situation just mirrors what I feel.

I'm never giving enough.

I feel like even when I try my hardest and go way out of my comfort zone

to do things for you, it just isn't enough. I always have to go farther.

When it was all about you..

I gave you everything you wanted.

Even when given the choice to get something I wanted out of it.

I ignored that, and I focused on you.

Because I wanted you to be happy.

Then when it came the time that I would get what I wanted..

It somehow ended up being about something you wanted again.

And I ended up getting nothing.

I wish you wanted me to be happy as much as I want you to.

It's just a tad unequal.

I should have just done it, and not said anything else about it.

I'm so stupid.

For someone so determined, I mess up so much.

I guess I'll just be grateful that you put up with my small dramatic moments.

And try really hard not to do it again.

jalsdfjlsdjflsdjf. I did it again!

What is wrong with me?

It's like I want to get hurt.

Why can't I just go through with it?

From now on I really need to force myself.

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

Don't make me.

When happy isn't happy.

It's true what I said. I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve someone who loves me as much as you do. Someone who's always there for me to depend on. Who makes me feel like I'm actually worth something. I don't deserve any of that but somehow I have that now and I can't remember what I ever did without it. Just one taste of losing that love from you is enough to force me into doing anything. I have become the definition of desperate. I will do anything and everything to prevent losing what I have now.

Of course it isn't what I want. Not that I don't enjoy our time together, most of the time I want the same things you do. But I hold back what I really want to say. I slipped before, too many times. It was dangerous. All I could do was repeat the phrase 'I didn't mean to say that' and thank God you couldn't tell how robotic my words were.

I guess a disaster is avoided for now. I probably should surprise you with something later on, just to stay on the safe side. Maybe you'll forget I ever complained. I can never complain, that would be too dangerous.

I feel as if I'm playing a game. And I'm walking on the thin line of your needs, if I stray from what you want, I lose. Maybe not right away. But enough slip ups can end everything. I used to think there was an unlimited amount of mistakes. That it didn't matter how many times you messed up as long as you loved the person. I didn't know there was a set number or anything. 'You've complained 20 times, I can't love you anymore.' I thought you didn't care. I thought you had said our love was forever, even if it needs work. I remember multiple times the words straight out of your mouth: 'I will love you no matter what you do'. I should have asked how many times it took.

I know you have this blog but I pray you never read this. This is my only way of saying what I want to say, what I need to say. You can never know that I'm broken. That my words no longer come from my heart, but from my mind. Carefully calculated. Never doubting. I do miss the feeling. Of being able to tell you anything, of trusting that I can always fall back on you. But as long as you're not leaving, I'll continue this charade.

I'll repeat: I didn't mean to say that.

And every time you start to doubt me.

I'll continue to say...

Don't worry about it.

You're here now and that's all that matters.

Sighh

Well, the knot is gone. Well, when I think about it it comes back but its not here all the time now. That's great. Whatever I feel now is probably just me being sick. I take back my robot post. I was just.. frustrated because I wanted to be happy but I couldn't because of how I felt. I don't regret anything I did today. And I'm happy that he's happy. I love him so so so much. I was thinking for myself. And despite how I thought I felt.. I can't deny I had a really good time today.... sigh (: Even with the sickness.

All I had to do was tell him about about it. I just needed some tiny reassurance that I'm safe where I am. Like when people ask me why I'm not afraid of rollercoasters. I say as along as I'm strapped in and safe, I can be thrown around wherever and I don't care. But if you put me on a waterslide, where I don't feel that security.. I panic. And I know I'm safe with him for now. I'm relying on him and i'm okay with it.

There's just one serious problem, everytime he says 'I love you', I don't feel like. Not like I used to. I really really really hope it's just because of how sick I feel, that I can't feel my heart race. And I really really hope it's not because deep inside.. I just don't believe him. I guess the only thing I can do is wait right? I know I love him.. I just have to be sure he loves me.

I guess this blog will be my way of getting out all the things I can't say to you.

..