I feel like a robot.

You can't even tell that I'm broken inside. You can't even tell that every time you ignore what I say to say what you want, I cry and that nervous feeling in my chest grows so much it consumes me. Even right now. After I told you how sick I am... you don't.. stop. This is what you wanted.. this is the part of me that you missed? The part of me that can't think for myself.. I can't think for myself.. If I do, you won't love me anymore. God, this is pathetic. But whatever, I rather have you devoted than saying you don't love me. Anything is better than that.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Last night was hands down, the worst night of my life. I never thought I'd be able to feel worse than I did when Max left me. I thought that was bad, last night was just brutal. Then, I had felt empty, straight away it was like I had been drained. Last night, I felt as if someone had violently ripped out my heart, leaving every inch of my body in physical pain. With Max, I couldn't cry, I thought that was bad.. This time the crying came so hard, I've had a sore throat all day. I thought it wouldn't stop. It wasn't until after he forgave me that the emotionless part kicked in. I should have been elated, I wanted to be. Maybe some part of me was. It's funny, as soon as he said he really did love me, I cried harsher than I had before. The entire night, and this entire day there's been a knot in my chest. I want to be happy.

Its funny how the simple words: 'i don't love you' can change everything I thought I felt. Even when it's taken back.. and I'm so assured that it isn't true. I still can't help this nervous feeling growing in my chest. My heart is racing, not in the good way. Like I just ran a marathon and I can't breathe. And all the things you say, where before my heart would race in a good way, it doesn't anymore. It's like the bad feeling is drowning it out. It's almost as if I can't feel anything anymore, everything is being drowned out. I'm standing on the edge, and if I think about anything too touchy, I can cry on the spot. I guess my thoughts are: if you fell out of love before, you could do it again. And so suddenly, what's to say tomorrow you'll just decide to stop again. I barely survived the first time.

I'm telling myself not to worry about it. I want to relax and not think about anything like this. But I can't help feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I'm afraid that anything I say will change me back to the person you 'can't love'. I'm trying not to complain, not to say anything that will make you mad or doubt me but I can't help ask myself. What is the point? If I can't feel, if I can't be happy, then what is the point? It's almost like its too late. It's already done and theres nothing I can do about it. My heart is already broken and it can't just be put back together in a day.

Maybe that's what I need. Maybe I just need time to forget all about what was said. Maybe one day it'll fade away from the place it's carved into in the back of my mind. All I can do is sit here and pretend to feel while hoping the feelings will one day come.

And when I'm alone, I'll cry and wish you had never spoke those words. Those stupid four words that will haunt me for what I really hope isn't forever.

The things you shouldn't tell your boyfriend.

Guess what, I did.

I haven't blogged in forever.

No one has blogged in forever and I'm thankful for that.

My life is a confusing mess right now.

Everything's changing with work and school.

New friends. New enemies.

Different guys.

The same guys.

Too many guys.

My hearts being stretched to the limit.

That's what happens when your too nice to people.

Too many people expect you to be nice to them.

I used to say that being too nice would get you nowhere.

No, people used to tell me that.

But I believe now, that those people were full of shit.

My life isn't great but it's as good as it can be in my situation.

I just need to get the guys off my chest.

Hah.. Didn't mean for that to sound like that.

I don't want to put names.

But if anyone knows me.. they'll know who's who.

Not like anyone's gonna read this anyway.

So I'm good (:

I'll just number them.

#1. This guy used to be 'the one'. I don't know if he still is. And I'm not saying I don't know as in he's not anymore, I just really don't know. I feel bored.. not of him but the way we act. Maybe I need a break from it maybe I don't. Maybe we need to change some things. Either way I am still in love with him. I always will be. And I will always choose him if it ever came down to a choice. I don't think it would though. I just can't help be distracted when everything stays the same. And my distractions are the following numbers, even if I don' want them to be.

#2. The most stubborn guy, excuse me, man I know. You intrigue me. Everything about you does. Your like that mysterious, sexy, older guy that can swoon girls with a whisper in their ear. You also say you love me. I'm not sure if I should buy it. I've been skeptical for months now. But you've done some things lately, that have really shocked me. You could say they proved to me how you feel and I'm so scared by that. You talk about all this serious stuff. You want to marry me. That's insane... why? Your also insanely sexual.. but not in that creepy way. In the way that makes me blush and makes my heart race. You want to steal me away from everyone. And honestly, your so romantic sometimes I have to really stop myself from doing just that. It's just your beliefs that stop me. I'm a good Christian girl. Your an atheist. You're corrupting me. How could I make a life with someone like that. I can't. As much as I want you to sometimes, you can't have me.

#3. You're quickly becoming one of my best friends. I could say your at that stage now. And now we should stop getting closer. But we're not. We keep getting closer and closer now, to the point where I don't know how I feel about you. That's bad. You'd think with two feelings as strong as above, a subtle feeling like this would get lost. But I can't scratch the feeling that if our situation was different we'd be together. Or we would have at least tried to be together. I think it's adorable how I'm the one you call every time your drunk. I think its adorable how you come to me with your problems and say I can always make them better. I love how your one of the few people I'm actually comfortable talking on the phone with. I feel like the feelings I have for everyone else are too strong to be real sometimes. And when I feel like that, I think about you. What we have is small. But it's the type of small that slowly escalates until it's something bigger than I can even imagine. But neither one of us are going to confess right now. So I'll leave it alone and worry about it some other time. For now you'll stay an amazing friend.

#4. I've known you the longest. I've liked you on and off since I met you. But you're so stubborn it drives me crazy. You expect me to put you first in my little list here but the truth is you're not ready to be first. The minute I drop everyone to be with you, you won't know what to do. I know that because it's happened before. No matter how many times you try to deny it was you, or that it happened. I know how I felt. I didn't imagine that. I'm not gonna make that mistake again unless you prove that it won't turn out the same way. But you can't do that. I don't even think you want to anymore. But sometimes you get so jealous that it confuses me. You keep me torn and say I can't decide. But your the one who can't decide. When you do, let me know. Maybe we'll talk about it. When you grow up.

#5. You are supposed to be out of my mind. I hated you at times. I really did. You were just so mean. You broke my heart after a year of me breaking yours. I guess that could be called fair. But that isn't the point. The point is you were literally gone from my world and now you just jumped back in full force. One tiny conversation says so much. You think I'm cute.. you miss me. I'm the best girlfriend you ever had. They way you talked.. it was mysterious. I feel like you've grown up. But I've grown up too. There's potential here. But I'm not sure I'm going to go through with it. I do want to be your friend though. I need to see more. I need to see if its really you.

It's corny but it makes me smile :D

I waited for you at the record shop.

Walked through the door and the record stopped.

Heartbreak on vinyl was the name of the store.

Now the store is gone and we can't meet there anymore.

We were digging in the crates of love.

Well darling, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Heartbreak on vinyl was for people like us.

To fall in love in analog and never let go.

Help, I'm alive.

Nothing. Ever. Stops.

The past four weeks have flown by.

What I wouldn't give to go to the park.

And disappear for a few hours.

I'm. Not. Real.

Not to you, anyway.

I thought I was.

No, I deluded myself.

Into thinking it was real.

We were real.

I've learned that,

When you push for something.

And it happens.

It doesn't make it.. real.

It's a false situation that I wanted to be true.

So I believed it to be true.

Now that I think about it.

You probably never wanted it.

I hate. labels. And how they change everything.

None of this makes sense.

I'm not 'legit'.

I'm not a person to you.

I'm just some nice girl too far away to count.

I wouldn't be surprised if this didn't go anywhere now.

I'm just an escape for you.

Something to distract you from life.

To make it better, I'd like to believe.

Everything I'm looking forward to..

What if this thing we have never .. moves?

My mind is a mess of thoughts and its draining.

I'm no kind of company tonight.

Just leave me to my books.

You burn so brightly in the dark.

Today my dad called, during an interview for a job.

Afterwards, I called him back.

He wanted to know if I wanted him to

take my Mom to court, so I could go on vacation with him.

"Of course not, its no big deal.

I don't wanna cause trouble."

Then while I was driving home he called again.

He made me swear not to tell my Mom about what he just said.

At least I got the job.

Working 5 days a week.

Going to school at night.

Attempting to be social on the weekends.

I guess you could say I'm an adult.